A Sweet Story

I’m so excited to share a sweet story- one that has been unfolding for a while now……

I’m dating someone.

Wow, I honestly never thought I’d be saying or writing those words again. I never imagined that my life would take the turn that it’s taken. I never dreamed I’d be thrown back into single life or that I’d lose my husband at such an early age. Even though I never imagined any of this could happen, God has known all along. He knew this was our plan and he has known what I’ve needed this entire time. To say that God’s hand has been all over my life and all over this situation is an understatement. There are so many examples of His presence and with that comes an enormous amount of peace.

Before I tell my story, I want to first make it clear: I am still grieving. And I probably always will. The boys and I lost something so incredibly important and special on October 5 and our lives are forever different because of that loss. I hope that people don’t hear about this new relationship and then just assume that I’m over Jason or that I don’t still hurt or miss him. Although I have new happiness in my life, this certainly doesn’t mean that I’m not still met with sadness each day. I continue to be a single parent to these boys and days are still hard and challenging for me. It would break my heart if anyone assumed that I loved or missed Jason any less because I’m choosing to move forward. Someone once told me that living life after a death is similar to a train track. It’s possible to have the grief and the happiness happening together at the same time, parallel to each other, like the train tracks. This is the perfect analogy to explain how I’m able to keep my feelings separate.

What makes this story so unique is that this person isn’t just anyone. It is one of Jason’s closest friends. Jason and Shawn met during Jason’s freshman year at Harding. They became fast friends and have stayed really close ever since. When Jason and I started dating back in 1999, he and Shawn and another friend were living together in Flower Mound. I met them and saw them a few times but didn’t really spend a lot of time with them because Jason was usually over at my house. Shawn was in our wedding and over the years, Jason and Shawn continued their friendship…..mostly meeting up for movies and dinner. I rarely went with them since this was Jason’s chance to have some guy time. I kept up with Shawn over the years through Jason. I always admired and respected him from a distance. I would always question Jason about why Shawn wasn’t married yet. He is a cute guy and seemed like such a catch. It was hard for me to understand why he hadn’t settled down. Jason told me that he hadn’t found “the one” and that he would obviously do that when he was ready. I even wanted to set Shawn up with a teacher friend of mine but we never seemed to make that work. Looking back now, we are able to see how God protected us in so many ways……allowing us to not spend a lot of time together over the years so that there isn’t any weirdness and so that we knew each other just enough to make things comfortable but not too close to make things awkward.

The evening that Jason went into the hospital, family and friends began to pile in. Shawn was there. He waited in that waiting room with us for hours and hours and came back really early the next day. He stayed until the end. Shawn and several other guys spoke at Jason’s memorial service. They shared stories and memories- many that I had not heard until that day. It was such a special day for me. Even though they didn’t see each other all the time, Shawn loved Jason like a brother. He was there during 2 huge events- his marriage and his death…… and lots of things in between.

A couple of weeks after Jason died, Shawn reached out to me. He invited the boys to attend the fall festival at his church. This worked out for me because the boys were going to miss the one at our church because of a camping trip with Jason’s step dad. I took the boys to the festival and it was a fun time. Shawn expressed to me that he really wanted to help out with the boys. He wasn’t sure exactly what that meant but he knew his heart had opened up to them and he wanted to do something for them. He started coming over and hanging out with them. He gave the boys little snippets of male interaction- playing, reading, wrestling, praying, etc…. and it was really neat for me to watch. Over time, Shawn and I started spending time together with the boys and he and I would often talk about Jason. We would laugh and cry together. We both were and are mourning our sweet Jason. Conversation was so comfortable because I could say anything to him because I knew he understood. I didn’t have to filter my thoughts or second guess my feelings. I was and still am able to openly talk about my struggles, my insecurities, my fears and my sadness. A special friendship was developing. God was slowly weaving our hearts together through our love and loss for Jason.

I can’t pinpoint an exact time frame but at some point I began to realize that Shawn and I are very compatible. I will admit that I wasn’t sure what to think about this at first. In my mind, it seemed ridiculous that I could even entertain the idea of liking/loving someone else so soon. However, my heart was telling me otherwise. I prayed fervently about this- asking God to please show me His way. I selfishly asked that if this wasn’t something that was meant to be then to not even allow it to start. Not only am I needing to protect my own heart, I’ve got 2 precious boys that are falling in love with him as well. All I can say is that I have had nothing but 100% continued peace about this situation. There are countless stories and situations that I could share (and probably will over time) that have shown me that this relationship is meant to happen. We are honoring God in every way (even physically) and because of that…..it just feels right.

Watching Shawn and the boys together has been such a joy. While it’s certainly bittersweet, I can’t even explain how wonderful it is to see their eyes light up when he comes over. I continue to witness Shawn’s heart expanding and over time, he is finding a spot for each of us inside. He often includes Jason in conversation with them and told me that he’s so excited to share stories with them as the years go on. He does this often and it’s precious. They will never forget their daddy and a huge part of that will be because of him.

Because Shawn isn’t a stranger to this situation, it’s been nothing but comfortable when it comes to talking about my grief. He wants me to grieve, he wants me to cry and he wants me to heal. He knows and understands that I’ll always grieve Jason….especially at different milestones with the boys. While big moments in their life will bring happiness, it will certainly bring a huge amount of sadness that Jason isn’t there to see it happen. I don’t have a timeline when I have to be “finished” grieving and he will never expect that I’ll be “over” it completely. Of course, I will continue to move forward with my life and find happiness….but I’ll bring Jason and his memories with me each step of the way. I never feel guilty for having hard days and he constantly reminds me that he is here for me in any way. This is just one of the many reasons this relationship has been so easy.

I know I’ve mentioned feelings of guilt and I will absolutely say that there have been times I’ve felt guilty for loving again and especially so soon. But then I’m reminded by some amazing people that I didn’t ask for this life. And that I’ve done nothing wrong. And that I’m just making the most of a really crappy situation. I certainly wasn’t looking for this but for some reason, God decided to place this person in my life at a time when He knew I needed it the most. I’m learning that I shouldn’t question that. God’s plan is so much bigger than mine and He’s been amazing to me.

So there you have it…. A sweet story that continues to get sweeter. I’m looking forward to the future and the blessings that each day brings.

Jason, Shawn and Gary

Shawn and the boys- just finished the Lego Death Star

In the dugout at the Ranger Stadium

Easter

Celebrating the boys birthdays at Magic Time Machine